Nearly twenty years ago, with financial help from the Millennium Awards, I set up weekly writing as therapy workshops for people with MS, ME, any other autoimmune disease, and carers. It was called ‘ManuScript Expression’. We met in a pod at the top of Peckham library. My mantra as the conductor of the group – “Whatever you write is right”.
With that in mind, with nothing to say right now, because I feel silenced. I write away. Whatever comes into my head while listening to my rather large Spotify play list. It’s on shuffle. Let’s see what comes up.
Written in Scars – Jack Savoretti
The last blog I wrote was about my visit to a private dentist. My latest visit to my NHS dentist of 25 years was a very different experience and pre-empted another experience I have yet to process. Trauma. The crux being, the Grape Reset and the psychological change in our behaviour from the lockdowns is doing what it knew it would do. Divide and conquer. Chronic isolation, psychological operations, discrimination. Here is what Klaus Schwab writes in his book COVID 19, THE GREAT RESET. July 2020.
“For many people, traversing the COVID-19 pandemic will be defined as living a personal trauma. The SCARS inflicted may last for years…. Humans are inherent social beings. Companionship and social interactions are a vital component of our humanness. If deprived of them we find our lives turned upside down…..In May 2020, the NHS England’s clinical director for mental health told a parliamentary committee that the “demand for mental healthcare would increase ‘significantly’ once the lockdown ended and would see people needing treatment for years to come.’ ”
The SCARS Jack Savoretti sings about are ones of revolution. We will see, as our NHS are offered a 1% pay rise.
That same night I had my recurring dream of my teeth falling out. I’d been to two dentists after all. No surprise, yet I do believe it is about loss, change – and aging. Or perhaps, I didn’t manage to say exactly what I wanted to. Feeling silenced. It will come out with each song. That’s what music does.
Laughing Gnome David Bowie
“I’m a Laughing Gnome and you can’t catch me.”
I am laughing with our dead Dame. I love gnomes. If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. I loved that video of David and his gnomes laughing.
A pause for a cuppa.
I wanna Destroy You – The Soft Boys
“They tell you your opinions and their very good indeed
I Wanna Destroy You”
What next, anger perhaps? Better get that out, if repressed it will give me physical symptoms. The music is more interesting than my writing.
Fat White Family- The Whitest Boy on the Beach
Can you say that? The Fat White Family can say that. They can say what they like. Made in Peckham. I stay silenced. A mask would shut me up further – if I wore one. Do I tell all or no one? No one asks. If I speak, I am judged. Everything is judged. Fear makes more judgement. I don’t judge. I don’t fear. Anything, not death. For sure. I have planned my funeral.
She Sells Sanctuary – The Cult
“The Fire in Your eyes keeps me alive”
The CULT. The Corona Cult.
Despite having planned my funeral, many years ago, I remain alive. I thought I’d die before my 25thbirthday. A suicide pact with a school friend I snogged one New Year Eve at the Traveller’s Joy in Rayleigh, Essex. My home town of course.
“And the world turns upside down, the world drags me down
Sure the hell you’ll find, sanctuary”
Each Sunday evening, one of our neighbour’s cooks. He is a chef who lost his job during lockdown. It is so exciting to get home cooked food that’s been lovingly prepared and cooked for our community by a talented professional.
One of these things First – Nick Drake
I could have been, blah blah, a cook? No, not me never. I’m not that bothered about cooking. Only once in a while. I could have been all sorts, had I got my GCSE’s I could have gone to 6thform and done theatre studies. Then maybe drama college. I could have taken too much smack or crack. I could have gone to the dogs. I got a dog. I could have been a spinster. I could have been a drunk. I was a punk. I could have been a lettuce. I am a nut job. The nut that does the job of sewing a seed. Instigating thought and talk. Curiosity. Nick Drake died young. I wonder if he had his funeral planned. My funeral dress is leather. It won’t need ironing. I’m still unsure whether I want a cremation or burial. Can you do half and half?
Relax – Frankie goes to Hollywood
And breathe. Relax. Not that sort of heavy breathing. Not like a masturbater ringing the Samaritans.
A song all about shagging. Coming. This song was censored. Banned. Loving these old tunes. Laser beam themes. I find it interesting in the series Animal Kingdom after they have sex they just get up and I wonder where the sperm goes. Where does the sperm go? Condoms? Yes? No? It’s not just in Animal Kingdom. It’s everywhere. TV rarely deals with such bodily fluids.
Back to Nick Drake, I’ll leave it here – When the Day is Done
“When the game’s been fought
Newspaper blown across the court”
What a line, newspaper blown across the court. I wish I’d written it. We will see. Shuffle on Spotify has decided I want to hear more Nick Drake. The Grape – Reset.
Covid 19 The Great Reset – another Klaus quote quoting someone fomr before July – “As one restauranteur put it, ‘I, like hundreds of chefs across the city and thousands around the country, am now staring down at the question of what our restaurants, our careers, our lives, might look like if we can even get them back’”.
It’s time. I shall go collect our lovely meal from our neighbour. I know how lucky I am. Tonight. The game’s not been fought yet.